It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
