just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
