Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
