i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
