I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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