Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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