My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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