Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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