I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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