The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize