So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
