there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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