just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
