Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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