Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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