i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
