This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the day after is always just damage control
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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