Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
