Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
