Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
