I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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