I'm pants shitting drunk right now
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
