Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
