I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
