Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Success! We fucked roommates!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
