When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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