just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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