i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
