ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
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