In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
