dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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