its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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