So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
