thus making me awesome and them whores
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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