Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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