Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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