he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
