I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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