D3 body, D1 cock
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
