I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
