my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
