Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
