how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize