My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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