I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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