tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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