yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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