Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
