Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
