if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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