make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
