What did we do last night that was yellow?
she woke up with a sticky ear
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
