I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
