So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
