Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize