Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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