Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
