My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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