just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
