I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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